Ferrari Therapist

I was meant to type Feral. I'll go with a Ferrari. Seems fitting.

It's Saturday. Day of Rest. Everyone has fecked off, even the reliable Autistic friend who likes a walk/ramble.

I have an unexpected clear day, with no structure.

I struggle with those days. I'm Audhd.

I've spent a lifetime being available as a Parent. Grabbing (more than most Parents) days for Me.

But nowadays I'm less needed, certainly in such a constant way. I still have loads of demands and I'm still busy, but I do have more me time which I normally excitedly fill.

So today's unexpected empty diary and lack of demands, or people, left me feeling wobbly.

I'm grateful. I know a day off for yourself is a wondrous thing that many of you crave. As a parent, I understand.

But 2 things can exist side by side. I can be grateful and also wobbly.

I'm driven by and a slave to, and avoidant of demands.

Today there is none.

None. Absolutely none.

And it's kind of alien.

My nervous system knows that it needs a break.

But an empty day is not necessarily good for me in the same way that trying to 'relax' isn't good/easy for me.

And so on this glorious day of freedom, I've used every trick in the book, every bit of intuition about whether I rest, watch Netflix, or do stuff.

I chose to do stuff.

But what f%cking stuff.

The overwhelm of the zillion exciting things I know I could do is too much.

Choice, decision and starting paralysis is big.

I honestly think this is something only understood by those like me, maybe the Audhders.

So today I have flung myself from thing to thing, randomly, with no plan, knowing I may leave a trail of mess as my interest wanes with each thing I move to/from.

Music helped.

I had earbuds on, then living room speaker. Just the phone speaker. Eventually, my Bose earphones. Each bother me after a while.

Too long a walk, osteoarthritis in my knee is hurting.

Prepped tea - slow cooker (frozen stuff).

Oil painting.

Watercolour painting.

Tidied admin, it's now spread in piles over floor.

And I have NO clue how I managed to do all that.

No prompts. Not forced.

And I realised that I gave myself no pressure.

I have pure self acceptance.

No shame.

No fitting any neuronormative expectation of what I should do.

And I have all the gadgets, supplies and available hobbies that I've picked up and dropped over the last 5 years. All spread out, half done, tried and changed my mind about, all poised, available to me, ready for when I'm whimsically passionate about them again.

I didn't throw hobbies stuff away when I got bored. I didn't sell on various gadgets (earphones) when I went off them. I didn't give away abandoned books I never finished/read.

I am vehemently self accepting and self-trusting.

The same self acceptance applies as I sorted a huge pile of old training notes and certificates.

At age 54, having worked for charities, education departments and local authorities, I've attended dozens and dozens (literally) of training courses on numerous peopley kind of subjects. Feotal Alcohol Syndrome. Perpetrators of Domestic Abuse. Safeguarding after Safeguarding course. Attachment Theory. Parent Training programmes. Train the Trainer Parent courses. Child Sexual Exploitation Train the Trainer. Autism Relationships. Couples Therapy. Solution Focussed Therapy. My Counselling Degree. Creative Counselling Pathway. Supervision Training.

I'm bloody exhausted with all this learning.

I've never stopped.

And here's the punchline.

I really can't remember any detail!

.

I'm reading notes of learning that I have nothing I can tell you about.

I can't tell you the rules, God forbid don't test me.

Because my brain doesn't work that way.

For years I thought that meant I was useless.

And yes I AM useless at recall for no reason.

But let me tell you how I learn.

I absorb what I learn.

I absorb what I need. It goes in.

It goes into my soul and when I'm sat doing this wonderful job of mine, it is all there.

It is there, felt by me, in every part of me and I know and sense what I need to do in any moment. And I do it well.

With heart and soul and a dollop of humour, I do it well.

It's taken me a long time, squeezed into this square shaped society of ours, to find my way out, and to find my own way of being me.

The sooner this society (UK) stops making us all fit the same shape, the sooner mental health and wellbeing will be improved and maybe I'll be out of a job.

The sooner we stop focusing on neuronormative success, the better.

The sooner we stop the conveyor belt of productivity, the better.

The sooner we stop prioritising efficiency over creativity, the better.

The sooner we stop standardising humans, the better.

The next generation definitely needs something different and better.

From me, now Feral, not a Ferrari kind of gal, more of a Hippy Camper, having at least moved on from being the Sensible Grey Nissan Note.

Although I did love that car .

Pic description: half finished artwork. A large canvas taking up most of the screen. Bright blues and purples, in a circular design. Pallet and brushes sat in the middle of the dry canvas.